Today marks the 7-year Sadiversary, Part 1, of the day my beloved Christopher was lost in the Mississippi River. I want to work and have today be like any other day, but it’s not. It means there have been seven birthdays, seven Christmases, seven Easters, so many years without the beautiful smile of my beloved son or without hearing his voice. Today is a day of bits and pieces. And today is one more day that I try to put together these bits and pieces of the devastation of this loss into something beautiful.
Time still also comes to me in bits & pieces. I still lose hours here or there or months pass and I’ve meant to complete something or do something or say something and I haven’t quite gotten there yet.
This post was meant to have been written at the turn of 2023, and here it is 2024 and I am finally writing again.
Each Christmas from 2017-2022 my family members received gifts from me that were not only from me, but from my sense of longing for and remembering my beloved Christopher. Finally, in 2022, I was able to give someone else a job that was to make bits and pieces out of Chris’s books and papers, his own handwriting and words and pictures important for him, that had been in boxes and crates and make them into something beautiful.
Each image was created by Emily with themes that I shared about each family member. They contain fragments of books and papers and a few photos. They also contain fragments from the lovely cards so many of you sent or gave us after Chris died, so you are there with us.
It’s hard to put together a beautiful life when someone we love so much walks on ahead of us. I still carry the grief so close to my heart. I don’t want to sound cliche, but this artwork does illustrate for me how we take what has torn us apart and make something new, something beautiful, something that honors and remembers and puts it back together in a new and surprising way with the help of those around us.
I sit here today in the easy chair with my kitty on my lap and my foot in a boot after another surgery–my body has also broken down a lot in these seven years and is getting cobbled back together–with tears in my eyes and gratitude in my heart. I am truly grateful for the life of my beautiful boy. I am grateful that he is in the arms of Jesus, there to welcome so many of my friends and family that have joined him in the cloud of witnesses over these past years. I am grateful for artists and for musicians and for those who have walked with me all of these years now. I am grateful to you.
The spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord has anointed me; he has sent me to … to comfort all who mourn, to provide for those who mourn in Zion— to give them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit. Isaiah 61:1a, 3a
Chris’s little brother Austin, who is 27 and older for years now than Chris ever got to be…Austin is doing really well. I don’t share too much about his life because it is for him to share. But Austin is teaching languages with Tapestry. He sings with us sometimes. He continues to play piano and he has become something of a social butterfly. He’s in school at Metro State to become a math teacher. Today he will use Chris’s guitar to begin lessons with friend and Tapestry musician David Martin. I am so immensely proud of him. I especially love this collage that Emily made for Austin. Look carefully and you can see how much care she put into including Chris’s thoughts and memorials for Chris in this amazing keyboard:
I always write these entries for me. I write them for those who mourn, too. I know it’s hard finding our way to beauty out of the bits and pieces of our lives, but with the help of God and with people around us, there is beauty in life again. I have found it. Not always, but more and more often. It looks different now, but it’s there.
Finally, I share a couple of pictures of the artwork that Emily made for our home and how we have displayed this creation. Look closely and see how the artist surprises. That’s how God surprises us, too. Look closely.
Conocí a mi amiga Dynna cuando las dos éramos estudiantes en el Seminario Luther en St. Paul, Minnesota, alrededor del 2012. Ella estudiaba para su Doctorado y yo para la Maestría de Divinidad. Me imagino que nos conocimos compartiendo un almuerzo en la Mesa Latina en Luther donde nos sentábamos juntas las personas latinas y las personas que hablábamos español para conocernos, crear comunidad y apoyarnos.
De verdad no me acuerdo en qué momento nos hicimos amigas, pero fue sucediendo a través de los años. Es posible que haya sido también por las muchas fiestas que hacíamos como estudiantes viviendo en el campus, o por las caminatas o las pláticas, o porque a las dos nos encantaba México, o porque ella era tan talentosa, tocando piano, cantando y dirigiendo el coro y orquesta de su iglesia en México.
Nos graduamos juntas de Luther en el 2014. La tesis de Dynna fue sobre la violencia doméstica y cómo las iglesias y sus líderes podían colaborar con otras especialidades para brindar apoyo emocional, espiritual y psicológico a las personas que sufren violencia doméstica y a las personas que son violentas. Tuvo la gran oportunidad de dictar cursos sobre su tesis y yo tuve la oportunidad de escuchar presentaciones de ella en clases que yo dictaba. De hecho, ella hizo una plática en línea sobre este tema hace poco y lo pueden escuchar aquí: https://fb.watch/qNzaS_fGQ6/
Mi amiga Dynna era una persona muy linda. Siempre me escuchaba con atención y me ofrecía sus pensamientos e ideas sin juzgar y con mucha compasión. Yo creo que era así con muchas personas, y en estos últimos días he platicado con varias personas de sus seminarios y todos/as me dicen cuánto la van a extrañar, no solo ellos/as mismos/as sino los/las estudiantes que tuvieron la oportunidad de estar en sus clases.
Con mis hijos, mi amado Chris+ que en paz descanse, y mi hijo Austin, visitamos a Dynna y a su familia en diciembre del 2016. Ya habíamos conocido a su familia aquí en Minnesota, pero era muy especial poder visitarlos en su querida ciudad y en su hogar. Nos llevaron a ver sitios turísticos y a comer toda la comida rica de su región. Cuando nuestro equipaje no llegó con nosotros, Shirley, la hermana de Dynna, nos ayudó al estilo mexicano, mucho más directo que el estilo “nice” minnesotano. Nos dieron una bienvenida increíble en Toluca y en su Iglesia Getsemani en la Ciudad de México donde pudimos adorar a Dios con ellos y su comunidad.
Dynna me acompañó en mi duelo de que perdimos a mi amado hijo. Me llamó desde México o bien supo las noticias, justo cuando entrábamos en una vigilia mientras lo buscábamos. Siempre se acordaba de mi hijo y hablaba de él y siempre estaré agradecida por ello.
Dynna quería mucho a su familia y estaba orgullosa de ella. Cuando me hablaba de ellos, se sentía la sonrisa en su voz. Su mamá y su hermana, que por mucho tiempo trabajaron juntas en la escuela como psicólogas, y su sobrina Alessa que estudia para ser médica. Y su querido papá que fundó y pastorea su Iglesia Gethsemani en la que Dynna también predicaba y dirigía el coro y orquesta. Tan emocionada estaba ella después de su culto navideño…https://fb.watch/qNzxCVw6M9/
Me acuerdo del día, hace pocos años, en que Dynna me dijo que había fallecido su amada mamá. Poco después, Dynna me contó que tenía melanoma y que su cáncer era agresivo. Dynna me fue contando cómo le iba, los éxitos y las dificultades. Ella pudo viajar a Minnesota en diciembre del 2022 y fue la última vez que la vimos Josué y yo. Nos reunimos para almorzar en el Mall de América, uno de sus lugares favoritos aquí en Minnesota. Hablamos sobre su enfermedad y, más importante aún, platicamos sobre su fe. Yo miraba una luz en sus ojos que brillaba, y aunque Dynna siempre era optimista y sonreía mucho, esta luz era diferente. Ella brillaba con una fe profunda en las promesas de Dios encarnadas en Jesucristo. Brillaba con la presencia del Espíritu Santo en su vida. Y brillaba con la seguridad y la paz que le daba el convencimiento de que Dios actuaba en su vida. Dynna aceptaba la voluntad de Dios en su vida y vivía con la esperanza de vida eterna con todos los santos en la gloria de Dios.
La última vez que hablé con Dynna fue a finales de enero o principios de febrero de este año. Había perdido la vista por un tumor cerebral. Le hicieron una radiación y mejoró un poco, pero al final y al cabo, falleció en la compañía de su familia y en los brazos del Señor Jesucristo. Fue sepultada al lado de su querida mami. Ha dejado muy tristes a su papi, a su hermana Shirley, a su sobrina Alessa, a su familia extendida, a los feligreses de Getsemaní, a tantos amigos/as en varios continentes, y a sus colegas y estudiantes de Luther Seminary en St. Paul, MN, de Bethel en Arden Hills, MN, y de Western Seminary en Holland, MI.
Que todos/as vivamos con una fe como la de Dynna. Que el Espíritu Santo consuele a los/las afligidos/as y que creyamos en las promesas de Dios.
…Oí una potente voz que provenía del trono y decía: «¡Aquí, entre los seres humanos, está el santuario de Dios! Él habitará en medio de ellos y ellos serán su pueblo; Dios mismo estará con ellos y será su Dios. Él enjugará toda lágrima de los ojos. Ya no habrá muerte ni llanto, tampoco lamento ni dolor, porque las primeras cosas han dejado de existir».
El que estaba sentado en el trono dijo: «¡Yo hago nuevas todas las cosas!». Y añadió: «Escribe, porque estas palabras son verdaderas y dignas de confianza». Apocalipsis 21:3-5
Que descanses en paz, amiga mía, en los brazos de Jesús, junta con tu mami y rodeada por toda la nube de testigos.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
September 3, 1972-March 7, 2024
I met my friend Dynna in about 2012 when we were both students at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, MN. She was studying for her PhD and I was studying for my Masters of Divinity. We may have met over lunch at the Spanish table at Luther where Latino/a/e/x and Spanish learners sat together to get to know each other, create community and support each other.
I don’t actually remember when we became friends, but it happened over a number of years. It might have been during the many parties we held as student living on campus or on our walks or during our talks, or because we both loved Mexico, or because she was so talented, playing the piano, singing or directing the choir and strings in Mexico.
We both graduated from Luther in 2014. Dynna’s thesis was about Domestic Violence and how churches and their leaders could collaborate with other specialty areas to promote emotional spiritual and psychological support to people who suffered domestic violence as well as the people who perpetrated the violence. She has the great opportunity to teach classes based on her thesis and I had the opportunity to hear some of her presentations in classes that I taught. I was able to find a recent talk she did online that you can find here: https://fb.watch/qNzaS_fGQ6/https://fb.watch/qNzaS_fGQ6/
My friend Dynna was a lovely person. She always listened attentively to me and she offered me her thoughts and ideas without judging me and with a lot of compassion. I believe she was like that with many people, and in these last few days I have spoken with a number of people from her seminaries and they all told me how much they will miss her, and not just they themselves, but also the people who had the opportunity to take a class from her.
My beloved Chris + and Austin and I were able to visit Dynna and her family in December of 2016. We had already met her family here in Minnesota, but it was really special to visit them in their beloved city and home. They took us to see tourist sites and eat all of the delicious regional food. When our luggage didn’t arrive with us, Dynna’s sister Shirley helped us Mexican style, much more directly than our Minnesota nice style. They gave us an incredible welcome in Toluca and in their church Gethsemane in Mexico City where we could praise God with their community.
Dynna accompanied me in my grief when my beloved son was lost. She called me from Mexico right away when she heard what had happened just as we were holding a vigil while they searched for him. She always remembered my Chris and talked about him and I will always be grateful for that.
Dynna loved her family so very much and was very proud of them. I always felt the smile in her voice when she talked about her family. Her mom and sister, who for many years worked together as psychologists at a school and her niece who is studying to be a doctor. And her beloved father who founded and pastors Gethsemane Tabernacle in which Dynna also preached and directed the choir and strings. She was so excited after their Christmas worship…https://fb.watch/qNzxCVw6M9/
I remember the day just a few years ago when Dynna told me her beloved mom had died. Not too much later, Dynna told me she had melanoma and that the cancer was aggressive. During the years Dynna talked with me about how treatments were going, both the successes and the difficulties. She was able to travel to Minnesota in December of 2022 and that was the last time Josué and I saw her in person. We got together for lunch at the Mall of America, one of her favorite places here in Minnesota. We spoke about her illness, but even more importantly, we spoke about her faith. I saw a brilliant light in her eyes, and even though Dynna was always an optimist and she smiled a lot, this light was different. She shone with a profound faith in the promises of God incarnated in Jesus Christ. She shone with the presence of the Holy Spirit in her life. And she shone with the assurance and peace that gave her the confidence that God was acting in her life. Dynna accepted God’s will in her life and she lived with the hope of eternal life with all of the saints in God’s glory.
The last time I spoke with Dynna was at the end of January or beginning of February of this year. She had lost her vision because of a cerebral tumor. She received some radiation and she got a little bit, but at the end, she died in the company of her family and in the arms of Jesus Christ. She was interred next to her beloved mom. Her father, her sister Shirley and her niece Alessa, her extended family, the people of her congregation, so many friends in different continents, her colleagues and students at Luther Seminary in St. Paul and Western Seminary in Holland, MI, and Bethel University in Arden Hill, MN, are all left to grieve Dynna’s death.
May we all live with a faith like that of Dynna. And may the Holy Spirit console all who mourn and may we, too, believe in God’s promises.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:3-5
May you rest in peace, my friend, in Jesus’ arms, together with your mom and surrounded by all of the cloud of witnesses.
Tapestry was holding our worship service outside on the patio a couple of weeks ago. We were just beginning the service, I think, and I looked out and saw a family walking by looking at us curiously. Since I was on the mic, I said, “Vengan si quieren. Les invitamos./Come on over if you’d like. We invite you.” Or something like that. They waved and smiled and kept walking.
Ada, one of our Tapestry leaders, was coming out of the church building, saw the couple and talked to them for a little bit, and invited them to church and to English classes. Pastor Yolanda, who was visiting from our partner congregation Shepherd of the Hills Lutheran Church that afternoon also went to greet and invite them over. They graciously declined.
their congregation were working with VEAP to distribute fresh food in the neighborhood where some Tapestry people live and I suppose they started talking to some people and ended up inviting them to English classes, especially as they are both taking Spanish class with us! The family came over to find out more but couldn’t stay that day.
Our host church, Oak Grove Lutheran Church, has been inviting people to worship and to Spanish classes with Tapestry, especially through Lidia, and this week we were able to welcome a family from this congregation to our Spanish classes and to hang out with Mileidy, our former Venezuelan national team volleyball player, and the young assistants and kids.
Well, this week all of these families, along with another family who found out about Tapestry from Facebook and who called Pastora Melissa, joined us for dinner and Spanish and for ESL classes! These families were from Ecuador, Mexico and the United States. Hailey, one of our young leaders saw one of the families trying to figure out which door to use and invited them in and showed them the way and then rushed to tell me that there was a new family with kids. She along with the other youth and kids warmly invited all of the new kids to play and hang out with them in the gym while parents studied.
There is this word evangelism: telling the world about the good and gracious God we meet in Jesus and the love that Christ offers to all people, that often scares us, but it can be this simple: inviting, showing the way and welcoming. And trusting that the Holy Spirit is at work in the community of believers. What a gift!
P.S. I have lots of stories like this I could share. How about you? What are your stories of evangelism, sharing the good news of liberation in Jesus, in your community and neighborhoods?
Hace un par de semanas con Tapestry estábamos en nuestro servicio de alabanza en el patio. Creo que apenas íbamos comenzando el servicio y vi que pasaba una familia mirándonos con curiosidad. Como yo tenía el micrófono en la mano les dije, “Vengan si quieren. Les invitamos./Come on over if you’d like. We invite you.” O algo asi. Me saludaron y seguían caminando.
Ada, una de las líderes de Tapestry, iba saliendo de la iglesia, vio a la familia y les platico un ratito. Les invito al servicio y a las clases de inglés. La pastora Yolanda de la Iglesia Luterana Shepherd of the Hills estaba visitandonos esa tarde y también fue a saludarlos e invitarlos al servicio. Declinaron amablemente.
Unos días después el Pastor Eric y Cara juntos con otros/as de su congregación la Iglesia Luterana House of Prayer estaban distribuyendo comida de VEAP en un vecindario donde viven algunas personas de Tapestry y supongo que empezaron a platicar con algunas personas y los invitaron a las clases de inglés, especialmente como los dos están tomando clases de español con nosotros! Llegó la familia ese día para saber más pero no pudieron quedarse ese día.
La Iglesia Luterana Oak Grove, nuestra anfitriona, ha estado invitando a gente a clases de español, especialmente por medio de Lidia, y esta semana pudimos darle la bienvenida a una familia de esta congregación a las clases de español y para estar con Mileidy, quien antes jugaba con el equipo nacional venezolano de voleibol, y los/las ayudantes jóvenes y los/las niños/as.
!Pues, esta semana, todas estas familias, juntas con otra familia que encontró Tapestry por Facebook y quienes llamaron a la Pastora Melissa, llegaron a cenar con nosotros y para las clases de inglés y español! Eran del Ecuador, Mexico y Estados Unidos. Hailey, una de nuestras líderes jóvenes vio que intentaba entrar una de estas familias y les enseño como entrar y les guio a donde estabamos y llego a decirme que había llegado una familia nueva. Ella, junta con otras jóvenes y niños/as invitaron a todos los/las jóvenes y niños/as nuevos/as a acompañarlos/las a jugar y pasar el rato.
Existe esta palabra: el evangelismo: decirle al mundo sobre el Dios bueno y lleno de gracia que conocemos en Jesús y el amor que Cristo ofrece a todo el mundo, que muchas veces nos espanta, pero puede ser así de simple: invitar, mostrar el camino y dar la bienvenida. Y confiar que está trabajando el Espíritu Santo en la comunidad de los/las creyentes. !Que bendición!
P.D. Tengo muchas historias semejantes que pudiera compartir. ?Y tu? ?Cuáles son tus historias del evangelismo, de compartir las buenas nuevas de la liberación en Jesucristo, con tu comunidad y en tus vecindarios?
I’ve been struggling with what to write about my friend Patricia VanErt since I learned she walked on last month. We had walked together through so much together in our last decade or so and I’m finding it hard to put into words that express the depth of the loss I feel and the beauty of Patricia and our relationship.
Patricia and I probably met about 20 years ago in book club. She was so quiet when I first met her and it took some time to really get to know each other. But through life’s joys and sorrows we built a lovely, lasting and deep relationship and I am deeply grateful to have been friends.
I have had trouble finding the words to write as I remember Patricia. Since my beloved son Chris died in 2017 and so many friends and family since then, I find myself a bit numb. I am sometimes afraid, or sometimes even unable, to access the grief that I feel. I wonder if I start to cry again if I will ever stop.
So I share these memories here, and I will speak them aloud this evening at Patricia’s Memorial Service that I will be leading along with Pastor Mimi Goodwin at All Nation’s Indian Church, a place that holds so many memories for me of grief and love and friendship and healing.
Patricia was actually a key person in introducing both of my sons, Chris and Austin, to writing. We lived in St. Louis Park, but I brought the boys over to the Rondo Library in St. Paul on Saturday mornings so they could learn about writing from her. Even though it was Saturday morning and they were pre-teens, I didn’t have to try to convince them to go write. They got up and got ready and spent an hour or two writing with Patricia. Both went on to write, Christ mostly poetry and Austin mostly fiction.
But the time that always is first and foremost in my mind is from April 29, 2017. I remember this day and the date so well because it was during the 10 days that my son Chris was lost in the Mississippi River. I had invited friends and family to “Come to the River to Pray” and sing as we waited for Chris to be found. Patricia was among those who were with me that day.
There was a moment when we were singing. I had been functioning to some extent, but as we were singing Hallelujah I found myself standing in the middle of the circle of people. I was weeping, or really wailing. Nobody knew what to do. Well, I didn’t, either. I saw the stricken look on people’s faces. Patricia knew, though. She stepped to me and just held me in her arms while I wept. She told me she felt the strength of the ancestors, the grandmas and the aunties who had walked on. She felt their strength and courage course through her and she shared that with me. When I thought I could no longer stand, she, along with the ancestors, held me up.
Patricia was a citizen of the Fond Du Lac Band of Lake Superior Chippewa (Ojibwe). You can read more about her in her obituary here. She was so generous in sharing her love of her culture through beading and stories and in other ways. When my beloved Chris was lost and found, Patricia was with me. It was through her that I began to truly hold in my heart the understanding of generations and relatives and walking on. I was also able to understand how we are all connected.
There are a few places in the Bible where there are long genealogies. One of these is the genealogy of Jesus in Mathew, Chapter 1:
An account of the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
Abraham was the father of Isaac, and Isaac the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers, and Judah the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar, and Perez the father of Hezron, and Hezron the father of Aram, and Aram the father of Aminadab, and Aminadab the father of Nahshon, and Nahshon the father of Salmon, and Salmon the father of Boaz by Rahab, and Boaz the father of Obed by Ruth, and Obed the father of Jesse, and Jesse the father of King David.
And David was the father of Solomon by the wife of Uriah
I used to skip over these genealogies whenever they came up. It’s a bunch of names (and usually men’s names) and I didn’t see a connection. Through Patricia I was able to understand the connection through time and history, through that which has been and that which is to come. I began to feel the strength of our grandmas and aunties and the hope that is to come when we do walk on.
Hebrews in the Christian New Testament talks about the cloud of witnesses, those who have walked on and those who live in faith with the promise of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I picture Patricia as part of that cloud of witnesses, surrounded by her loved ones, her brother, and her ancestors that have gone before her. I picture my beloved Chris and my friends Rev Marlene WhiteRabbit Helgemo and Julie Page and my mom and my uncles and all of those who are in the presence of God, and I hope that they have met. I picture our beloved Patricia with her healed body, always with her strength and courage and love.
May God bless her daughter Kelsey and her friend Mary and all who loved Patricia. May the Spirit of Consolation be present in their lives and in our gathering this evening.
Sometime in January Venezuelans from Tapestry, the church that I pastor, began to tell me about a new Immigration Program that would help bring Venezuelans (and Cubans, Nicaraguans and Haitians) directly to the United States from their home country. Recently, Tapestry has been growing and as a community of faith, in numbers, yes, and in commitment to serving God and the neighbor!
I was asked if Tapestry could help bring family members to the United States using this program!
Before really thinking much about it, I said, “Yes!” But I knew we could not do this alone because we are a community of faith strong in faith, heart and Spirit, but not in our economy.
One of the things that I have had to learn as a mission developer (church planter) of a largely immigrant congregation is that I have to ask my colleagues, fellow members of the body of Christ, for help. I can no longer allow my pride or my own perfectionism to stand in the way of serving God and serving God’s people in love.
Other congregations have said “yes,” too, and I have had to hold on to all the patience that I really don’t have (I’m probably more impatient than prideful) while they go through their processes. They want to minimize risk to their own faith communities. We happen to be more risk-averse because so many immigrants in our community have already taken huge risks in order to feed their children and provide medicine for their ailing family members. We are hearing harrowing accounts of crossing the sea on unstable boats and crossing through jungles and being robbed of the little these migrants have, robbed by those who are supposed to uphold the law in various countries, including the United States. All so people can provide for their families. I am distressed by all of this. I am impatient, and I expressed this to some of our Venezuelans
“All in God’s perfect time,” I was recently reminded by one of the Venezuelans hoping that her daughter might be one of the beneficiaries of this process. All in God’s perfect time.
It often takes me some time to process my feelings of impatience. I know that right now, as I await answers from some potential partner congregations who are considering becoming sponsors, that there is a real possibility that this window of opportunity will soon close. This process is being opposed by a number of governors and will go to court at the end of April.
And then I woke up understanding what the real bottom line is for me. I have told this story before at least three times:
at a facility detaining unaccompanied minors in Nogales, Arizona
on my 1500+ bike ride from Minneapolis to the Gulf of Mexico along the Mississippi River in memory of my beloved son Chris, as I rode through Mississippi along the highway and reflected on the love that makes one take these long and unknown journeys
outside an immigrant detention facility here in Minneapolis
I feel like I need to tell it again, because I hadn’t realized, beyond knowing the families here, why this is so important to me.
As those of you who read my blog will know, my beloved son Chris died at the age of 22 just a couple of weeks before he was set to graduate with a degree in Neurobiology from the University of Minnesota.
What I tell those who will listen about why the separation of families, and the reunification of families is so important is this:
My family was separated by death.There is nothing I can do about that
but accept that and then do my best to live every day here on this earth with that loss.
As a people, we the Church and we the United States and we wealthy countries, have made so many policies and laws and decisions that are separating people around the world from their families. In our case, there is no guarantee that family members here will ever get to see or touch or hold their family that they have had to leave behind. This is tragic.
These families are separated by injustices here in this world
and there is something we can do about that.
There is nothing I can do to change the separation that has occurred in my family, but among the many things we can do to change this separation of my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who are part of the Tapestry family is to take these risks that are so small in comparison to what both Tapestry and our families have risked just to survive, and take steps to reunite families, right now through Humanitarian Parole and then through changing laws and other things, but mostly through changing hearts.
Our God is a compassionate and merciful God. People of God, I beg of us to show compassion and mercy to God’s people here and now in all the many ways we are able. Please pray for our families and our partner congregations, and for me, that we may be led by the Spirit in this journey.
I realized I never did share pictures from our fifth year Sadiversary gathering on May 4th of this year. I was actually so surprised and grateful that so many friends and family came to observe the day with me. Five years still seems like yesterday and forever ago.
Some of Chris’s pottery being used by friends
I am especially grateful that my friends the Rev Marlene Whiterabbit Helgemo and her husband Harvey made the effort to be with us. Marlene blessed the place and the gathering. She died in July and I miss her very much.
Martha made Chris’s favorite: chilaquiles and we ate together, Marlene spoke and prayed for us, Austin sang “Hallelujah” with the lyrics he wrote when I was in my bike journey. We ate, sang, cried, remembered. I read an unedited chapter of the book I am still attempting to finish called “Angel in Disguise.” I gifted people some of Chris’s small pottery he had made in high school and some posters and pins. Some people shared with me later how they were using the little clay pots. It was sweet and lovely.
As I’m looking back, it turns out I didn’t take too many pictures that night. I was really just in the moment. It’s hard to be in that place. The moment. Sometimes I’m lost there, but that night I just appreciated that particular moment among friends and those who love Austin, Chris and me.
I will take this opportunity to share a few pictures of visiting Chris’s tree. I do that a few times during the year. I don’t usually stay too long, but I always turn the medallion to face away from the tree. I caress the trunk and branches and see how the tree grows. Sometimes still I cry or on occasion I still wail, but usually I wipe just a tear from my eye and say a few words in my heart to my beloved Chris. Josue and Austin often join me and we always take pictures even though they don’t change that much. Seasons change, the tree grows. And I miss my beloved Chris every day from the depths of my being. I am grateful for his life. There are also pictures of the Falls where Chris was lost that night. I visit there usually just on the Sadiversary of that night. That’s about all I can handle.
Thank you to all who were there that evening and to those who have been with me on this journey. The changing of years is always the hardest for me because each year takes me farther away from my time with my beloved Chris here on this earth. And thank you for being a part of this journey with me.
On Saturday, April 29, 2017, Rev. Marlene Whiterabbit Helgemo showed up into my life. I remember the moment clearly and with an immense amount of gratitude.
On Tuesday, April 25, 2017, my older son Christopher was lost in the Mississippi River. It had been in the news and Marlene watched the news–local, national, probably international, too. She paid attention to what was going on in her communities. She cared deeply.
On this Saturday, I had invited anyone who wanted to come to the River to Pray in vigil as we waited for Chris to be found. Marlene arrived, though we had never met, and brought Bishop Ann Svennungsen of the Minneapolis Area Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America with her. It’s hard to put into words the way in which Marlene showed up, but I will try. She walked into this space and, well, took over. She knew what I and those gathered needed in that moment, and she began to lead us, lead me. Marlene knew what it meant to pastor people. She had sage, an eagle’s feather, and a shell with her. She asked if those gathered knew what sage was and taught me and those of us gathered. She smudged Chris’s dad Tom, our younger son Austin, me, and all gathered. She sent the bishop around the circle to smudge us while she talked or was simply present. I don’t remember, exactly, the sounds, but I remember her and her presence and the smell of the sage and the comfort and healing of being smudged for the first time.
She soon introduced me to Water Walker and Anishinaabe leader Sharon Day who led some of us in a water ceremony in the next couple of days. Marlene checked in with me and became a part of my life.
Chris was found on Thursday, May 4th. Much of that time was a blur, but Marlene and Sharon offered to help me send my beloved Chris’s remains to continue his journey now as part of the Mississippi River on May 18, 2017, from Hidden Falls in St. Paul. Marlene was persistent and I knew when she called I needed to answer. She made a service folder titled “The Journey Continues…” and she helped me in my faith journey to know that this is, indeed true. Our time together in the sending was truly remarkable.
Marlene checked in with me often, especially in the first year after Chris walked on. She would call and ask me to pray for this person or a certain situation. She sent me messages and, I don’t know, was just there with me. She invited me to community gatherings around the fire circle at All Nations Indian Church, including a gathering of indigenous leaders from India. She invited me to a horse healing time which was amazing. She invited me to invite my community for a time of remembrance of Chris on the one-year Sadiversary of his death. Marlene invited me to walk part of the Missouri River with Sharon Day. She called me about current events. She called to offer food for our Tapestry families and asked for help distributing food during COVID. She invited me to lead weddings and preach, and she invited Tapestry to worship together with her community. Marlene helped me plan my bike trip from Minneapolis to the Gulf of Mexico in memory of my beloved Chris. She encouraged me as I biked and as I have been writing about that journey in grief and in love. I mean, she was there with me. She went from us not knowing each other at all to walking me from the depths of mourning death to actually living. She let me cry when I needed to cry and lifted me when I needed lifting and taught me with so much patience and love. She showed up for me over and over, just as I know she did for countless others.
I write this in memory of Marlene, beloved child of God, and I must say that Marlene’s husband Harvey was right there by her side. His quiet nature and soft words to me have been a balm to my soul. I mourn for him and for all of Marlene’s relatives.
I was blessed with Marlene and Harvey’s presence one last time on the Five-year Sadiversary, Part 2, of Chris’s death. Marlene and Harvey were among the first to arrive at our remembrance of Chris. We were having technical difficulties so unfortunately I was only able to capture the very last part of a lovely talk and prayer that Marlene shared with those gathered. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEoPGqhQuqk
I will hold to these words that Marlene spoke in her prayer, to memories of her friendship, and to the loving relationship Marlene and Harvey shared.
“We have the privilege of walking each other home. We can do it with joy…” Rev. Marlene Whiterabbit Helgemo, May 4, 2022
Marlene, you were truly one of a kind, a blessing to all who knew you. I give thanks for you life and witness. With joy, and with sorrow, I give thanks for the privilege of walking you home along with your beloved Harvey and all of your relatives.
My dear friends, a request as I wind down my sabbatical. Just a few more days and I’ll be back to work and ministry!
I would say I have written about half of my book about my bike ride in memory of my beloved Chris from Minneapolis to the Gulf of Mexico in 2018.
The request…will you please send me any thoughts, memories, or questions about the bike journey or about grief, or even just encouragement to write? I am finding that writing about this journey on bike and in grief is even more challenging to complete than the bike ride!
Thanks!
More about my sabbatical if you’re interested…
Remembered my Chris as I observe these five years without his physical presence here with me
Began with a retreat at Big Raven Farm led by my friend and author Lisa M. Bolt Simons. I was able to write a chapter or two while at the retreat
Spent time at a friend’s cabin in Wisconsin
Worked on my container garden. It’s growing!
Josué built a shed and I helped him
Visited Chris’s tree a few times
Took a road trip (this time in my car) along the Mississippi and stayed a few days at Shalom Spiritual Center in Dubuque, IA, and drove to Nauvoo, IL, to write, remember and rest some
Attend the Pride Parade with friends
Walked and rested with my kitties
Mourned the death of my friend Julie and my friend’s mom and heard some tough news of illness from another friend and family member
Hung out some with my cherished younger son Austin
Began working with a trainer and biking post-surgery
Went to a lot of water classes and lap swimming
Was a groupie for a couple of Josué’s outdoor gigs
Rested and relaxed.
I head back to work Monday. I have missed Tapestry and other friends as I have mostly been hanging out with Josué and Austin or spending time with our neighbor kids or by myself. Austin says Josué and I are becoming the neighborhood grandparents. Walking the cats, gardening and building the shed have all helped us get to know our neighbors better.
Thanks to Tapestry, especially Josué and Lidia, and Norma, the Director of Evangelical Mission for our Synod for this opportunity.
Peace to you, Melissa
————-
Queridos/as amigos/as, una petición aquí al final de mi sabático. ¡Solo me quedan unos pocos días más y vuelvo al trabajo y al ministerio!
Yo diría que he escrito tal vez la mitad de mi libro sobre mi viaje en bici desde Minneapolis hasta el Golfo de México en el 2018 en memoria de mi amado hijo Chris.
Mi petición… ¿me mandarías cualquier pensamiento, memoria, o pregunta sobre el recorrido en bici o sobre el duelo, o simplemente apoyo para escribir? ¡Parece que se me hace más difícil escribir sobre el recorrido en bici y el duelo que terminar el recorrido!
¡Gracias!
Más sobre mi sabático por si te interesa…
Comencé con un retiro en la granja Big Raven dirigido por mi amiga y autora Lisa M. Bolt Simons. Pude escribir uno o dos capítulos.
He trabajado en mi jardín en contenedores. ¡Está creciendo!
Pasamos una semana en una cabaña de un amigo en Wisconsin.
He visitado el arbolito de mi hijo Chris.
Hice un recorrido (esta vez en coche) por el Río Misisipi y me quedé unos días en un centro de retiros con unas monjas en Dubuque, Iowa, y manejé hasta Nauvoo, IL.
Fui al desfile del orgullo gay con mis amigos.
Paseé y descansé con mis gatitos.
Lamenté la muerte de mi amiga Julie y de la mamá de otra amiga y escuché noticias difíciles sobre la salud de una amiga y alguien de mi familia
Estuve con mi querido hijo Austin.
Empecé a trabajar con una entrenadora y he andado en bici ahora después de mi cirugía.
Asistí a muchas clases acuáticas y nadé en la alberca.
Acompañé a Josué a algunos conciertos suyos al aire libre.
Descansé y me relajé.
Regreso al trabajo el lunes. He extrañado Tapestry y otros/as amigos/as como mas que nada he estado con Josué y Austin, o pasando tiempo con los ninos de al lado o sola. Dice Austin que Josué y yo estamos volviendo ser los abuelitos del vecindario. Pasear con los gatos, atender el jardín y construir el cobertizo nos han ayudado a conocer mejor mejor a los/las vecinos/as.
Gracias a Tapestry, especialmente a Josué y Lidia, y Norma, la Directora de Misiones Evangélicas de nuestro Sínodo por brindarme esta oportunidad.
Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Matthew 19:13-14
Our beloved friend and sister in Christ, Julie Page, died Monday, May 23rd, 2022, after many and varied illnesses and hospitalizations. She has been in our prayers at Tapestry for a number of years now. We give thanks for a life well lived in service to God and her community.
I want to share some of my own memories and reflections about Julie and I hope you will remember her with love, laughter and hope, just as I remember her.
I first met Julie in 2014 when I was beginning Tapestry at Woodlake Lutheran Church in Richfield where Julie was a member. To be honest, I don’t recall why she began worshiping with us as Tapestry, as we are a bilingual (Spanish/English) community of faith, but she did, every week for as long as she was able. In fact, Julie helped begin this community and became a part of our fabric. I imagine Julie became a part of this new community because she loved Jesus and she loved the people of God. She also made sure to always sit near my mom, who even with Alzheimer’s helped us start Tapestry, too, saying she spoke Spanish (which she did not), and to help her follow along as well as she could and be a part of worship.
Julie loved children and wanted to make sure they were able to read and write. She worked with and mentored many children during her life. The pictures here show Julie and I at the Richfield Farmer’s Market, probably in the summer of 2015. She loved going out to events such as this with me and I was always impressed and surprised by her joy of speaking with whomever came past our table. On this particular day we had brought musical instruments as music is a big part of our ministry. A little girl came up to the table and she and Julie played the instruments and sang together. I am pretty sure “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” was one of these songs. The girl immediately warmed up to Julie and spent some time there with her. In the meantime I was speaking to Sherri who had brought the girl that day and met Tati, a Brazilian exchange student who would end up going to Valley Fair with my beloved Chris and becoming my much loved exchange daughter, all because Julie took the time to really see children.
Julie was a big part of her Richfield community, helping to knock doors and inviting neighbors for a community meeting we organized in response to the mass displacement at Crossroads Apartments https://youtu.be/_YEW4GeSjtY which also displaced some of her friends. Julie also became a part of a group of women who came to drink coffee and talk and weep and laugh in response to losing housing and community and having to find new housing and new community.
I probably should have a bad joke to insert here, but I myself am terrible at jokes and usually groaned at the jokes that Julie always had at the ready. She even shared a standup routine at a Tapestry talent share that she had practiced with Toastmasters.
Through Julie I also met many of her friends who loved her very much and who were very important to Julie. Because Julie lost her vision due to her lifelong diabetes she had to move from Richfield to assisted living and group homes and it became increasingly difficult to maintain constant communication with her, though she made every effort to worship at both Tapestry and Woodlake. She was also blessed with her care at Providence Place, especially the chaplain there. Mary is her friend that has many tales to share of their twenty years of friendship, which included some frustrations but mostly laughter and joy in their meals at Perkins and outings shopping at thrift stores and Target.
Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention her love of kitties, especially her dear Kiki who she had to give up to a neighbor when she lost her vision and was forced to move to a place where she con not have animals. This was a big loss for Julie. Cheryl from Woodlake and some others from there gave Julie a white comfort mechanical kitty that brought much comfort to Julie at her final residence at Providence Place in Minneapolis.
Julie was loved by many. I will miss her dearly. She showed me how to be faithful in the face of much adversity and loss. May God bless all who loved Julie. May she be welcomed as a beloved child of God and faithful servant into the arms of Jesus and among the cloud of witnesses.
“Remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”
I grew up hearing these words, mostly on Ash Wednesday, when we would go to church to have ashes imposed upon our foreheads. Like so much else in my life when it comes to the Bible, I absorbed these words and this ritual in my physical being, but I didn’t ever really contemplate the meaning for my own life and death until just these last few years.
Ash Wednesday isn’t the only time we hear these words in our Lutheran tradition; we also hear them at funerals, and the large number of funerals of beloved family and friends over the last few years has meant that I’ve heard and now spoken these words as a pastor more than I would have liked.
God first speaks these words to Adam after Adam and Eve disobey God. (There are books and books written about the interpretations of the Tree and the Fall, the consequences and the curse. I’m not going to delve into all of that here). I used to understand these words: for dust you are and to dust you will return as a punishment or a curse for disobedience. Even though I grew up hearing about God’s grace through faith and not of my own works, I lived like it was about my own works–behaving well enough that God would love me. Of course, I could not live up to my own imposed expectations. I let myself down again and again. I tried to hide from God, and from myself. I wasn’t afraid of dying. I didn’t think about death, really, but I also wasn’t fully living.
These words are not a curse. They are simply truth. Our truth. God made Adam from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and Adam became a living being. There is great liberation in remembering that God created us, breathed, and continues to breathe into us the breath of life.
When my beloved son Chris died, now almost five years ago, I had to confront death head-on. There was no hiding from it. I look back at the verses from Genesis, and I am struck by verse 18:
It [the land] will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
Life is like that, isn’t it? It produces thorns and thistles for all of us. We all toil in our physical, emotional and spiritual lives. But there is great comfort in knowing that we are all dust. Each and every one of us. In our living we are God’s to form and to mold. God breathes into each and every one of us the breath of life. And as dust filled with God’s breath, we live, even with all of the thorns of thistles of our lives. And when our days come to an end, we will return to dust. We will return to new life with God.
17 Al hombre le dijo:
«Por cuanto le hiciste caso a tu mujer,
y comiste del árbol del que te prohibí comer,
¡maldita será la tierra por tu culpa!
Con penosos trabajos comerás de ella
todos los días de tu vida.
18 La tierra te producirá cardos y espinas,
y comerás hierbas silvestres.
19 Te ganarás el pan con el sudor de tu frente,
hasta que vuelvas a la misma tierra
de la cual fuiste sacado.
Porque polvo eres,
y al polvo volverás». Genesis 3:17-19
Recuerda que eres polvo y al polvo volverás.
Yo crecí escuchando estas palabras, principalmente el Miércoles de Cenizas, cuando iríamos a la iglesia para tener la imposición de cenizas en la frente. Como tanto en mi vida relacionado con la Biblia, absorbía estas palabras y este rito en mi ser físico, pero nunca contemplaba realmente el significado para mi propia vida y muerte hasta estos últimos años.
El Miércoles de Cenizas no es la única vez que escuchamos estas palabras en nuestra tradición luterana; también las escuchamos en los funerales, y he escuchado, y ahora como pastora he dicho, estas palabras demasiado en la gran cantidad de funerales entre mi amada familia y amigos durante los últimos años, mucho más de lo que hubiera querido.
Dios le dice por primera vez estas palabras a Adan cuando Adan y Eva desobedecen a Dios. (Hay una gran cantidad de libros escrita sobre las interpretaciones del Árbol y la Caída, las consecuencias y la maldición. Eso no lo voy a explorar aquí). Yo antes entendía estas palabras: Eres polvo y al polvo volverás como castigo o maldición para la desobediencia. Aunque yo crecí escuchando sobre la gracia de Dios por medio de la fe mas no mis propias obras, yo vivia como si fuera di mis propias obras. Pues claro, yo no llegaba a mis propias expectativas. Yo quedaba desilusionada conmigo misma una y otra vez. Trataba de esconderme de Dios, y de mi misma. Yo no tenía miedo de la muerte. Yo realmente no pensaba mucho sobre la muerte, pero también no vivía plenamente.
No son maldición estas palabras. Simplemente son la verdad. Nuestra verdad. Dios creó a Adan del polvo y respiro en sus fosas nasales la respiración de la vida y vivio Adan. Hay una gran liberación en recordar que Dios no creo, respiro y sigue respirando en nosotros/as la respiración de la vida.
Cuando murió mi amado hijo Chris, ahora hace casi cinco años, tuve que enfrentarme a la muerte directamente. No me podía esconder. Vuelvo a los versículos de Génesis y me llaman la atención estas:
La tierra te producirá cardos y espinas,
y comerás hierbas silvestres.
Así es la vida, ¿verdad? Nos va a producir cardos y espinas a todos/as. Todos trabajamos duro en nuestra vida física, emocional y espiritual. Pero hay un gran consuelo en saber que todos/as somos polvo. Cada quien. En nuestro vivir somos de Dios para que nos forme y nos moldee. Dios respira dentro de cada uno/a de nosotros/as la respiración de la vida. Y como polvo con la respiración de Dios, vivimos, aún con todos los cardos y espinas en nuestra vida. Y cuando se nos acaben nuestros días, volveremos al polvo. Volveremos a la nueva vida con Dios.
diariesofamissiondeveloper 